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A guide to Narcissism

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People call us narcissists, so what? YOLO!!

Our brain is a knife, and the world is a massive cucumber. (insert your own fruit/veg if you don’t like cucumber) Peel and grab as much as you can because the more you slice, the more you get!!

The most important thing in the world is us. (we already know this) The world is OUR cucumber. (we already know this too) Don’t expect us to be grateful for the things you did to us yesteryear!! We didn’t ask for it and we don’t owe you anything.

During arguments, we also love to bring back old issues, even if it was already resolved. Relevance doesn’t matter either.

This is what we are. If you don’t like it, it is your fault. We warned you.

Since this is a guide, we must tell you some of our secrets. But before we tell you this, you remember that it is a lifetime contract. When you receive favour from us, you MUST remain grateful for the rest of your life. If you are not happy about it, please stop reading further.

Thank you for agreeing. You already owe us one. Let’s carry on.

Secret one: How to control a relationship.

We are attracted to an emotionally intelligent person, there is no denying that. A warm and caring person is our perfect match, or catch. Because an emotionally intelligent person has easy to find “buttons”. By this, we know exactly what to do for our benefit. Like, we shower them with compliments and validate their every point. We call it love-bombing.

This helps us to gain their trust and we become attractive to them. We know that an emotionally intelligent person is more attracted to another emotionally intelligent person. Love bombing helps us to make them feel we are emotionally intelligent, hence creating the chemistry!!

There are some downsides too. Emotionally intelligent persons are very boring. They are also hard to control because they are too practical. They care a lot and once you are in a relationship with them, it is very difficult to break it. They are boringly sympathetic, annoyingly helpful, brutally honest and shamelessly laid back.

You shout at them, they won’t shout back at you. You accuse them of something they haven’t done- they apologise. You attack them- physically or verbally; they forgive you straight away.

Getting rid of them isn’t easy, but when there is a will….

Secret two: How to get break a relationship without taking the blame.

You will need a bit of planning for this, and a little patience too.

Once you get what you want from this horrible human, it’s time to start the ditch game.

First, gain their trust if you haven’t already. This is a very important step. Do whatever it takes.

Now slowly isolate them by cutting them away from their friends and family, one at a time. Check their diaries or ask about their plans. Whenever they have plans to visit their friends or family, make a counter plan, then change it “for them”. After a few times, they will follow your plan instead of their own.

Gently and carefully start creating conflict between them and their friends/family whilst showering them with sympathy.

This will help them feel like you are the only person they can trust. They will become emotionally dependent on you.

The next step is to start gentle disagreements and arguments. Remember to share an “upgraded” version of arguments with their friends and family. Play victim at all times.

Then slowly increase the disagreement level. Here is an excellent method:

Wake them up in the morning and ask them to take you to a temple, preferably on their most inconvenient day. (don’t use shopping or any other excuses, because using the temple helps you to gain support from their religious friends/relatives.

If they don’t have any inconvenient day, keep them awake till late at night so that they will be tired in the morning.

We are looking for a “no” as an answer here. So do whatever it takes

If you get a no, congratulations!! The level is complete.

When you get a NO, lever up, it’s showtime!!

When the argument is done, ring a common friend/relative you want to cut them off with and tell them how horrible or insensitive they are being by refusing to go on the prearranged trip to the temple. (pro tip: Cry)

This is a golden argument because you can bring it up every time you have an argument.

Whatever you do, do not let them leave you. Because this would harm your reputation. Increase your spying by checking their browsing history. You already know that they are not secretive.

If you find that they are looking for a place to rent, use your force. This could be your last chance to save your reputation. Do everything you can. If nothing works, call the police on them by faking an assault.

Despite this, they might try to get back to you after they return from custody. Block them and report them for harassment or get a restraining order.

Secret three: How to keep your cool after the relationship breakdown.

They are already isolated, so you are already the winner here. But you must contact their friends and family before they do. You must tell them the “upgraded” version of your story. Sometimes, asking for help adds points to your reputation.

If you have a kid together, then you are a double winner. Take the kid away from them and when they apply to the court for a contact order, contact their family and say something like, they kicked me out of the house, now they want me to put me in jail”. And once again, asking for help increases your credibility.

Secret four: How to be the centre of attention at all times.

Always be the loudest voice in a gathering, whether it is the way you talk or the way you laugh. Control the audience. Make fun of your partner, but when they do, make a bigger scene by crying or getting angry.

Secret five: How to win an argument:

We know that we don’t argue to validate our point; we argue to be right. During arguments, try to deliberately misunderstand them. Nothing will frustrate them more.

If they have a solid point and you can’t escape, divert them. Shift your focus on their choice of word and tone. This is the most effective trick to get an apology from them.

Top tip: Remember to raise your voice if you are alone with them and cry if you are not.

The final secret: Keep yourself desirable.

Do whatever it takes to keep you at the centre of everyone, especially at the workplace. Here is an excellent tip on how to keep yourself at the top of the workplace.

First, befriend a person you don’t like and use all of your resources to gain their trust. Once you are confident, tell them you are looking for a place to stay as a matter of urgency. When they offer you their place, sleep with their partner (or act as you did)

Second, spread the “upgraded” version of the story before they do. Tell them something like this “friend” is being unreasonable for demanding a ridiculous amount of rent and is accusing you of something because you refused.

Not only this will test your influence on your colleagues, but you might also get rent-free accommodation too!!

There will be a few people who don’t want to be involved and/or want to hear the full story, ditch them and accuse them of taking sides and spreading smears.

Always, always play the victim. They get the best of attention.

And finally, always remember to belittle people, this will neutralise them and remind them of their position.

Hope this guide helps you to improve your narcissistic skills, even if it doesn’t- never forget that told you this. (If you do, don’t worry- I will remind you every time we meet)

Bonus: Test your narcissism skills here.

On a serious note: Narcissist or Narcissistic Personal Disorder is a mental condition. People who suffer from NPD are in love with an idealised, grandiose image of themselves. And they’re in love with this inflated self-image precisely because it allows them to avoid deep feelings of insecurity.
Although this blog is inspired by true events and stories, no part of this blog is intended to humiliate, disrespect or insult people with NPD.
It is difficult to live with someone with an NPD, and it is harder to treat them because they are reluctant to admit that they have a problem.
Although the true causes of NPD aren’t well understood, there are some contributing factors,

o	Childhood experiences of abuse and neglect
o	Hyper parenting (excessive pampering of children)
o	Setting unachievable and unrealistic goals for children (conditional parenting)
o	Sexual promiscuity

But if you think this blog matches your personality, then why not talk to someone? There might be nothing wrong with you, but it is worth validation and verification sometimes.
And If you are living with somebody with NPD, these blogs are worth reading- blog one, blog two. 

Thanks to:

Image credit: Pixabay

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