A tale of two speeches

Between August 2014 and last month, I had the privilege to witness two magnificent events, two of my best buddies got married (not with each other though) and I was lucky enough to be able to attend both of them as a best man.

It was an absolute honour.

The first wedding was a church one and also was my first experience to witness a proper church wedding and, also act as a best man.

I spent a significant amount of time writing speeches, which proved to be the toughest one. There were things you wanted to say and there were things you don’t want to.

After several manuscripts, I created the final one. I was, however bit sceptical about things and, as someone who never heard anyone delivering the best man’s speech in his life -let alone delivering one, I was totally clueless.

A whiff of paranoia kicked in which forced me to heavily edit the original speech.  Clearly, I didn’t want to cross the line. 

Then the final speech was born.

And the urge was there, somewhat like a director’s cut on DVDs. I somehow must produce the unrated version.

And here’s the outcome. Items in bold are the ones I censored. Also, the names and locations have been modified to protest the identity of the “victims”

speech one

If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, you’re either me (because I am) or you just married Groom.

 Just a quick note before I start,  I don’t know (Groom). He responded to my advert on Gumtree. So, ladies and gentlemen, like the groom, if you don’t have anyone who wants to be your best man, please meet me at the bar. My rates are negotiable. And I put this advert here because the groom wanted the cheaper option. The premium version does not contain any advertisements.

So I was saying,

I’d also like to congratulate the groom on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it. If you want a hard copy of his speech, please look under your chairs. ( pause) .. I know, there isn’t any as the groom has nothing to say.

Moving on, I can only say in my defence that the groom and I share a common sense of humour so if this speech is in any way unfunny please feel free to blame the groom.

Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness another rare event in history.  The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us. And I surely am going to make the most of it. Are there any lawyers, doctors or funeral directors here today? For the first two, please meet me after this speech and for the third one, my wife is on table seventeen.

Well, groom,  I hope you made the most of your speech… now you’re a married man that’ll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted

I must admit that I was very nervous about making this speech. In fact, this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

The best man’s speech is normally about making fun of the groom’s expenses. Today, I’d like to break the tradition by paying him a compliment I think you’ll all agree groom is also looking pretty good. I am sure you all think that he’s .. he’s…Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry…groom …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you should have typed it. Could you finish this for me, please? 

 I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out

I asked the groom before I started writing if there was anything I couldn’t say, and he said no. So the bride, It is all groom’s fault. 

I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that the bride looks radiant today—every bit the beautiful bride. As for the groom... Well, my mother always told me that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Normally, I can say I’ve known the groom longer than anybody, but it doesn’t really work when half the people in the room are his family, does it?

I met the groom when we were both working at the workplace. He used to work in a different department and was a very chatty person who could make friends with virtually anybody, as long as you don’t mind putting in all the effort of meeting him and talking to him. With the groom around, I became only the second least popular colleague in the workplace.

The Groom left the workplace for his  XX job but we lived as a neighbour for approximately 3 years after I moved to London.

One morning groom rang up and said, I am thinking of getting married. I said ok. And he said you know what my next question be?

 I said I am really flattered but I am already married.

I am honoured to be here tonight to sing the groom’s praises. And the best thing about being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Rather than the usual embarrassing stories, I think I would rather offer him some advice.

Groom, enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you’ll ever be the centre of attention.

You will be given loads of advice from the married men here today, so let me throw in my two pennies’ worth that should put you in good standing; Always remember that it’s vitally important to get along with your Mother in Law. I didn’t speak to mine for the first two years of my marriage. It wasn’t that I didn’t like her – I was just too polite to interrupt.

Speaking of the bride, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …groom likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of his kitchen.

They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is and then spends her life trying to change him. So let’s all raise our glasses and take a last look at the Groom. We’re gonna miss you, buddy!

I’ve known the groom for what seems forever, and I’ve had the pleasure of knowing the bride for a few years too, and I can’t think of any other couple that is as perfect for each other as you two. You’re both wonderful people, and I count it as a blessing to call you both my friend.

I’d like to wish very happy marriage and a memorable honeymoon. If anyone wants to know the proper definition of a honeymoon, it’s that brief but cherished period between ‘I do’ and ‘You’d better

So to wrap this up, I’d just like to say that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it’s about finding someone you can’t live without.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old-fashioned enough to last forever.

And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to raise your glasses in a toast to the groom and bride, the newlyweds. We wish you well in the future.

Speech two

Ladies and gentleman

It’s an absolute pleasure and privilege to be here today and I am sure the groom’s feeling the same.

For those of you who know me- I am sorry and those who don’t know me and are wondering who the hell is this, don’t worry –  I am thinking the same.   My name is MY NAME   and I have had the privilege to be here and deliver this speech today. I am not a great public speaker, so I will try to keep this short and sweet.

About me and groom, I met groom while he was working as a delivery driver at Ann summers, he had to quit because his customers failed to see the differences between his name and the goods he was delivering. Please don’t ask what was I doing at that time.

But before I start, a little bit about my background- there’s a massive window and a pervert looking at my backside.

On behalf of myself and the rest of the wedding party, I would like to thank the groom and bride for inviting us to be a part of their special day. I’m sure you’ll all agree with me that the ceremony today was touching and beautiful.

But it wasn’t all happy moments. The bride looked absolutely stunning today, and, I’m sure all the guys will agree that it’s always a little bit sad to see another beautiful woman being taken off the market. And ladies, the groom’s no longer eligible either. Funny thing… None of the girls seems to be too broken up about it at all.

I texted Groom the other day to ask if there’s anything I can or can’t say.

He gave me a list of this I can and must say, the list is so long that I am still receiving it, I actually fell asleep after reading the first ten pages, I think it contains things like how magnificent he is and how lucky bride is to have him. I, however also managed to acquire the things I am not supposed to mention here,

So, To his disappointment and everyone’s excitement, Here is the list of the things I am not supposed to mention.

Semi-skimmed milk

Balsamic vinegar

Free-range eggs

Frozen vegetables. (Pause)

Oh hang on, this could be my shopping list. No wonder the shop assistant was giving me strange looks while I was reading the list to him.

Must have picked this one instead of the other list.

I can see the relief in the groom’s eyes. He definitely has more than one stroke of luck today.   

Talking about luck, I consider myself a very lucky man today.  I have been talking for almost 3 minutes and my wife hasn’t interrupted me once.

Going back to the groom, who was born on my birthday, and I have known him for over ten years now, although I didn’t know his name was the full name until I received the wedding invitation.  At first, I was almost relieved to understand that bride finally opened her eyes and decided to marry who meets her expectations.

About the bride,  I have known her on since the day they got together

i still remember the day bride and  groom met for the first time

. We were in a pub and Sammie was there with her friends, and I heard the bride pointing to the groom and I am sure she said “look at that prick.

I thought she knew him. So I told the groom that a girl is looking for him. And ladies and gentlemen, that’s how it started.

I remember the day, the groom and bride talking, completely ignoring me waiting at the corner.  I spent ages holding my empty glass- waiting for him to return.

I must have looked really miserable because a girl approached me and asked,

“Would you like another one?

She must be drunk. I mean, why would I want two empty glasses in front of me?

Traditionally the part of this speech would be full of amusing and embarrassing stories about the groom to humiliate him, But ladies and gentlemen we all know that the groom is quite capable of humiliating himself without any additional help and he’s much better at it than I could ever hope to be.

Not only that, I have found the groom to be slow and laid back too, I recall a day at work, he was not all himself- he didn’t say anything. But later admitted that he was missing the bride.

Give her a ring then, I said

And it took him seven years!!

Talking about time, we currently live in Scotland and for those who haven’t been to Edinburgh yet, here’s the view from Edinburgh castle this morning ( shows blank white screen on iPad) .

I took this, this morning.

So we arrived yesterday,  and were running late so we grabbed a taxi and said “waterloo mate” The cab driver looked at me and asked “station?” I said, well I am a bit late for the battle!!!

Groom, it’s been an honour to get to know you over the last few years, and I couldn’t be happier for you. You’ve found a woman who is kind, honest, caring, and who deserves nothing but the best husband there is. Luckily you found her before she had a chance to meet him.

But seriously bride  I’ve gotten to know the groom quite well over the years, and I will say this – you have a husband who is devoted to you and will never let you down. I’ve seen him at his worst, and I’ve seen him at his best. But through the years I have never seen him as happy as he is as when he’s with you.

Friends, as a man who will drink to just about anything, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to drink to something worthwhile. Please join me in a toast: Rick and Sammie, I know the two of you will are going to have a long and happy life together. I speak for everyone here when I say I wish you both the very best. May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old-fashioned enough to last forever. To the groom and the bride.